You wouldn’t understand if I were to explain.
And delve into details, I cannot. And yet, I try.
(I have been on the move for five years now, mostly in India and Nepal. I have now set foot outside the subcontinent and will gradually be exploring the world at my own pace if I continue breathing for long. Although the Himalayas are where I want to respire the most.)
The Idea
I don’t remember who I was or who I am now. And this is what I wanted. To have enough experiences that I lose the self-created definition of myself. To make a heap of all my winnings and losings and toss it. It doesn’t really matter. Achievements of any kind: they mean nothing to me. The fulfilment is in the process.
I had imagined all the scenarios before I had embarked on this journey. Had read books on vagabonding and experiences of people who had lived similar lives. Asked myself all the difficult questions and tried to find answers to all the possibilities that could potentially arise.
To live my best life in nature’s lap, meet different people with their different ideas of life, unique characters with their distinct habits, mannerisms and whims; get bored and sick of travel and lose link with the regular lives and conversations of close ones. Make new friends and relationships and let them go when the time arises.
And for years.
In my head.
And yet, there was never an iota of doubt whether I wanted to do it or not. Some people are blessed; others have to experiment with their time, while most prefer to follow the lead of the majority without asking themselves any questions.
I fall in the first category, having experimented with different interests of mine and taken enough time to understand what I really loved.
The answer wasn’t difficult. It still isn’t.
The Present
Thoughts and actions are two entirely separate living entities.
To live a life of a vagabond is a privilege and for the bold. The turbulence in emotions is enormous, ranging from ecstasy to nothingness and without any notice. There are days when my car is cruising in the fifth gear followed by weeks in second, and the shift is sudden. Years get compressed into a couple of months, months into a few days.
There are days which feel surreal, while some feel like a vacuum; pretty much like life, but at a blistering pace. The highs are higher than I’ve ever been, while the lows are not too low but longer. There are experiences and adventures to die for and real conversations with real human beings who want to share, but everything gradually fades with time.
Travelling to a new town and taking a walk activates all the senses. Though every moment, landscape and person has a limited time span in this life. Every emotion passes. This is how nature works. And this is what drives me. To embrace it with all my heart as if it is going to last forever, but stay prepared to bid it goodbye soon. I love the impermanence, even though sometimes it isn’t easy. Easy is boring.
Change fuels me with ecstasy.
Short-term goals give me a direction, but I am not in any rush. This is all I ever wanted. And I feel content. The cycle of wanting something more will never end, and it is not something I fret about.
The days I love the most are when I am in nature, in the mountains specifically, hiking in silence.
Encounters with eccentric and weird people who are unapologetically themselves have been amusing and are a masterclass in understanding more of human behaviour, which never ceases to amaze. The learning just never stops.
Amid all the adventures and idleness, the most challenging facet has been to accept situations and people as they are. It is not a perfect world and never will be. There is only so much one can control. And while there are companions along the way, it is a lone journey, of the body and of the mind. If I can manage to keep my head when all about me are losing theirs, it is enough.
There is no detailed roadmap that I navigate upon, just an outline I create in my mind. Once I start feeling comfortable in a new place, I know it is time for me to leave, though I occasionally stay longer to form a routine. To strike a balance is an ongoing process.
Venture into the unknown. Take risks. Relax and give time to myself and repeat the process. Wherever I feel fear or discomfort, that is the way.
The journey continues. If I want to pause, there is always a choice. There are no rules. But I know what my heart desires. I feel travel-sick when I stay at a place for long. My body wants to keep moving most of the time. I still can’t think of anything else. I am obsessed with it and ready to sacrifice anything for this incredible voyage.
Earth is beautiful, and I’ll share more about it another day.
What is real and what is illusory, I know not.
The future, I think not.
Life is short and unpredictable.
Stay raw! Let it go.